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Ask Marilyn – Bruised Cervix?

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

My wife says I bruise her cervix when we have sex. She says it is not because my penis is long, but that I thrust too hard. She blames it on me being circumcised. I’m her second husband and her first was not circumcised. What’s that all about?

—Dumbfounded in Fort Wayne

Dear Dumbfounded,

She may be correct. When the nerve-laden foreskin is removed from the penis the result is a desensitized penis expecting and clamoring for more sensory input. To accomplish some sort of sexual satisfaction, a cut man will tend to thrust faster, harder, deeper in order to achieve climax.

Painful sex is the number one complaint of American women and I think this is because four out of five men are cut. Frictional pain is the most common reason for painful sex, and generous lubrication often alleviates this. But the second most common reason I’ve heard is from bruised cervixes. It really does hurt. A lot.

You see, an intact man tends to move slower and doesn’t have to go as deep into the vagina. The result is pleasurable sex for him and her.

You have a number of solutions available to you. 1. Just go slower and enjoy the ride. The goal isn’t always to orgasm, but to connect with your lover. 2. Try positions that tend to limit your penetration. The so-called ‘doggy style’ for one. The ‘cowgirl’ is also effective since she is in control of the depth. 3. Finally, there is a product call the Ohnut which was designed by women to cure this problem. It fits over the penis and limits the depth. It is flexible, cushy, and comfortable. And kinda kinky in a fun sort of way. Think of it as a bumper or shock absorber.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Do Babies Feel Pain?

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

I am expecting a boy in August. My husband is circumcised and all the men in my family are circumcised, and they have never complained about it. But I have seen some moms on pregnancy forums say that when their babies returned from being circumcised, they cried and cried and wouldn’t breastfeed. My obstetrician assured me that circumcision is not painful for the baby. Is she right?

—Meredith in Providence, RI

Dear Meredith:

I am so glad you are questioning your obstetrician’s statement,  because she is wrong.

Many believe that babies are too young to feel pain, but that has been disproven. Any mom who, before disposable diapers were invented, accidentally stuck her newborn with a diaper pin knows that babies feel pain. And I know from my own experience that they do. I was a nursing student when I witnessed a circumcision for the first time. The baby was lying on a molded plastic board, struggling against the restraints that held his arms and legs down. Nothing was given to the baby to manage the pain. The doctor told me to let the baby suck on my finger. When the doctor began the procedure, the baby let out a scream I’d never heard come out of a human before. It wasn’t like a baby’s cry when he’s hungry or needs his diaper changed. It was primal. He screamed for the next 15 minutes.

There is no medical reason to circumcise your son. Keep him intact, just as nature intended.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – I’m Cut and Angry. What Can I Do?

Dear Marilyn:The penis advice column

I did not know that I was circumcised until I was 11 years old. My aunt and cousin, who live in France, came to visit us. My cousin stayed in my room, and one day as we were dressing I noticed that his penis looked different from mine. He showed me his foreskin, which he was able to retract.

I was devastated. I kept thinking that someone had sliced off a part of my penis and I could physically imagine the pain I must have felt as a baby. I confronted my parents and asked why they would do such a thing. They insisted it was no big deal and it was for the best.

Now I’m in my twenties and I feel more angry than ever. What can I do to move past this?

—Calvin, Denver, Colorado

Dear Calvin:

I am so sorry for your loss. Your parents made a mistake by allowing you to be circumcised and seem afraid to to take responsibility for that decision. A simple apology from them would be the first step to coming to terms with what happened to you. Consider approaching your parents today to talk about how you feel.

Counseling benefits almost all survivors of abuse and is likely to help you process your feelings. A therapist can help prepare you to go back to your parents and ask them to acknowledge your feelings of loss and pain.

I’ve spoken to thousands of survivors of male genital cutting, and I’ve seen many who find solace when they get involved with the genital autonomy movement and find they are not alone, and that there are many people who share their grief and anger. I urge you to join us in fighting to save baby boys from experiencing what you have experienced.

Some men also turn to foreskin restoration. I suggest you read my answer to a reader’s question about whether foreskin restoration is worth it. This might be something for you to consider.

I hope you can find peace in your future.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – When You and Your Husband Can’t Agree on Keeping Your Son Intact

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

My husband and I are the parents of two girls and are now expecting a baby boy. I started thinking about this a long time ago, and I am quite sure I do not want our son to be circumcised. The problem is that my husband, who was circumcised as a baby, is very angry that I am taking this stance. He says that it will be impossible to keep our son clean, and that I will be ruining my son’s chances with future girlfriends. How can I convince him that it’s better to keep our son whole?

—Samantha, New Mexico

Dear Samantha:

Sadly, I have heard some variation on this question many times. First, I want to congratulate you for following your instinct to protect your son from a painful and unnecessary surgery with a lifetime of consequences. Second, I want to suggest that you consider why your husband is reacting this way. It is likely that your husband, a circumcised man, thinks you’re saying “something is wrong with YOUR CUT PENIS” when you say you don’t want to cut your son’s penis.

Reassure him that you love him just the way he is, and that you know he has his son’s interest at heart. Ask him to hear you out so you can explain why you want to stop the cycle of unnecessary cutting by keeping your son intact.

Tell him that a lot has changed since he was a baby. More men are speaking out against circumcision, saying they wish they hadn’t been cut. Researchers have found that babies really feel pain when their genitals are cut, and many babies are traumatized by it. Explain that the foreskin has thousands of sensitive nerve endings that give men and their partners pleasure during sex. Tell him that more than 100 babies die each year because of circumcision complications, and that hundreds more live their lives with disfigured penises. Ask him if he thinks it’s worth the risk to perform basically a cosmetic procedure on your son. And ask him to check out this informative website covering the historical practice of newborn circumcision .

You can also point out that, because the U.S. is the only western country that routinely circumcises its boys, men in the rest of the world are intact. They know how to clean their genitals and have no problem finding women to love them .

Tell your husband that you hope he trusts your feelings about this issue, and that you both want the same thing: to peacefully welcome a beautiful and healthy baby boy into the world and raise him to be a wonderful man like his father is.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Is Foreskin Restoration Worth the Effort?

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

I was circumcised without my consent as a baby and I wish I could experience sex as an intact man would. I’ve heard about foreskin restoration, but I know it can’t restore the sensitivity of the natural foreskin on a normal penis. Is there any benefit to be gained by trying to restore my foreskin?

—Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused:

I am sorry that your foreskin was taken from you. You can regain some sensitivity with foreskin restoration (gentle stretching techniques) to cover the glans, making it more sensitive and providing the gliding mechanism that will improve sex for you and your partner. Although foreskin restoration is a tedious, time-consuming endeavor that takes several years to complete, every man who has succeeded has been pleased with the results.

Do an internet search for ‘foreskin restoration’ to learn more about it, find support groups, and see the current devices that have been developed. Good luck!

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Why Is Sex with My Husband Painful?

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

This is an embarrassing question. My husband and I are both 27 years old. Everything about our relationship is good, except that intercourse is very uncomfortable for me. Using lube helps at first, but he takes a long time to reach orgasm and by the time he finishes, I am in a lot of pain.

I am from Denmark, and this is my first relationship with a circumcised man. I’m wondering if this has something to do with our problems and, if so, what we can do to make things better?

—Liv C., Cincinnati

Dear Liv:

Your problem is a common complaint of American women. Most American women have never been with an intact male and don’t know what normal sex feels like, and most European women haven’t been with a cut male.

Circumcision amputates healthy genital tissue with tens of thousands of specialized erogenous nerve endings. All that sensitivity is lost. And sadly for you, as a result many men take longer to reach orgasm, which increases the pain. Cut men also lose the gliding mechanism of the foreskin that provides for gentle intromission (penetration) and sexual intercourse without abrasion.

So what can you do?

Start by trying a different lubricant, then try other positions. Many women say that being on top helps relieve some of the chafing they feel. This position often allows a woman to position herself so that she’s stimulated with less pain.

No man should be robbed of his natural penis and a healthy sexual future. And no woman should have to suffer the consequences. Understanding the underlying issue may help you and your husband work on a solution together.

Thank you again for writing. My best wishes to you.

—Marilyn