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Ask Marilyn – When You and Your Husband Can’t Agree on Keeping Your Son Intact

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

My husband and I are the parents of two girls and are now expecting a baby boy. I started thinking about this a long time ago, and I am quite sure I do not want our son to be circumcised. The problem is that my husband, who was circumcised as a baby, is very angry that I am taking this stance. He says that it will be impossible to keep our son clean, and that I will be ruining my son’s chances with future girlfriends. How can I convince him that it’s better to keep our son whole?

—Samantha, New Mexico

Dear Samantha:

Sadly, I have heard some variation on this question many times. First, I want to congratulate you for following your instinct to protect your son from a painful and unnecessary surgery with a lifetime of consequences. Second, I want to suggest that you consider why your husband is reacting this way. It is likely that your husband, a circumcised man, thinks you’re saying “something is wrong with YOUR CUT PENIS” when you say you don’t want to cut your son’s penis.

Reassure him that you love him just the way he is, and that you know he has his son’s interest at heart. Ask him to hear you out so you can explain why you want to stop the cycle of unnecessary cutting by keeping your son intact.

Tell him that a lot has changed since he was a baby. More men are speaking out against circumcision, saying they wish they hadn’t been cut. Researchers have found that babies really feel pain when their genitals are cut, and many babies are traumatized by it. Explain that the foreskin has thousands of sensitive nerve endings that give men and their partners pleasure during sex. Tell him that more than 100 babies die each year because of circumcision complications, and that hundreds more live their lives with disfigured penises. Ask him if he thinks it’s worth the risk to perform basically a cosmetic procedure on your son. And ask him to check out this informative website covering the historical practice of newborn circumcision .

You can also point out that, because the U.S. is the only western country that routinely circumcises its boys, men in the rest of the world are intact. They know how to clean their genitals and have no problem finding women to love them .

Tell your husband that you hope he trusts your feelings about this issue, and that you both want the same thing: to peacefully welcome a beautiful and healthy baby boy into the world and raise him to be a wonderful man like his father is.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Is Foreskin Restoration Worth the Effort?

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

I was circumcised without my consent as a baby and I wish I could experience sex as an intact man would. I’ve heard about foreskin restoration, but I know it can’t restore the sensitivity of the natural foreskin on a normal penis. Is there any benefit to be gained by trying to restore my foreskin?

—Confused in Seattle

Dear Confused:

I am sorry that your foreskin was taken from you. You can regain some sensitivity with foreskin restoration (gentle stretching techniques) to cover the glans, making it more sensitive and providing the gliding mechanism that will improve sex for you and your partner. Although foreskin restoration is a tedious, time-consuming endeavor that takes several years to complete, every man who has succeeded has been pleased with the results.

Do an internet search for ‘foreskin restoration’ to learn more about it, find support groups, and see the current devices that have been developed. Good luck!

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Why Is Sex with My Husband Painful?

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

This is an embarrassing question. My husband and I are both 27 years old. Everything about our relationship is good, except that intercourse is very uncomfortable for me. Using lube helps at first, but he takes a long time to reach orgasm and by the time he finishes, I am in a lot of pain.

I am from Denmark, and this is my first relationship with a circumcised man. I’m wondering if this has something to do with our problems and, if so, what we can do to make things better?

—Liv C., Cincinnati

Dear Liv:

Your problem is a common complaint of American women. Most American women have never been with an intact male and don’t know what normal sex feels like, and most European women haven’t been with a cut male.

Circumcision amputates healthy genital tissue with tens of thousands of specialized erogenous nerve endings. All that sensitivity is lost. And sadly for you, as a result many men take longer to reach orgasm, which increases the pain. Cut men also lose the gliding mechanism of the foreskin that provides for gentle intromission (penetration) and sexual intercourse without abrasion.

So what can you do?

Start by trying a different lubricant, then try other positions. Many women say that being on top helps relieve some of the chafing they feel. This position often allows a woman to position herself so that she’s stimulated with less pain.

No man should be robbed of his natural penis and a healthy sexual future. And no woman should have to suffer the consequences. Understanding the underlying issue may help you and your husband work on a solution together.

Thank you again for writing. My best wishes to you.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – 19-year-old Considers Circumcision

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

My parents didn’t have me circumcised because they thought the choice should be mine. I felt a little self-conscious when I was in grade school because I was the only boy with a foreskin in my class. When I was in 7th grade, our science teacher told us circumcision was done so boys would be cleaner and healthier. After that, I felt inferior. Now that I’m 19, I’ve been considering circumcision for myself, but a couple of friends have warned me against it. My doctor told me it’s a simple surgery and a personal choice. That’s all he said. Can you tell me why I should or shouldn’t be circumcised?

­– Uncut in Milwaukee

Dear Uncut:

American doctors have been circumcising babies for several generations, so most  doctors practicing these days don’t have a foreskin. They learned little or nothing about the structures, functions, development, and care of the normal foreskin. Instead, they were taught it should be cut off.

Even though, at 19, you are legally able to consent to circumcision, it’s clear that your doctor has not given you the proper information for that consent to be truly “informed.”

Here’s what you should know:

  • A penis without a foreskin doesn’t work as nature intended for its owner or his sexual partner.
  • Amputating the foreskin eliminates the penis’ “command and control” nerve center, the normal skin system that allows for comfortable erections and the gliding mechanism necessary for sensory pleasure, foreplay, and normal intromission (entry during intercourse).
  • Circumcision amputates the tens of thousands of specialized, erogenous nerve endings that signal to the man where he is in relation to the orgasmic threshold.
  • It denudes and exposes the glans (head of the penis), causing it to become dry, calloused, and desensitized. Circumcised men talk about becoming impotent during their 50s or 60s while intact males tell me the urge doesn’t come around as often but their sensitivity hasn’t diminished.
  • Circumcision makes the penis smaller, too.

Your seventh-grade science teacher was wrong! Circumcision does not make the penis cleaner, reduce the risk of penile or cervical cancer, or prevent urinary tract infections, STDs, or HIV/AIDS.

Remember: Once the foreskin is cut off it can never be replaced. Though many men are now stretching the remnant foreskin to re-cover the glans and regaining the gliding mechanism and some sensitivity, the nerve endings in the foreskin are lost forever.

Your parents protected your body and your rights when you were a child. Now, it’s up to you to protect yourself, if you want to maintain the wholeness of your body and the fullness of your sexual experience.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Stop the Steroid Cream!

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

I read your response to Katherine in Canada in which you said the doctor was wrong to prescribe a steroid to retract a boy’s foreskin when it was likely that the boy had a yeast infection. The question is timely because I’m facing a similar situation with my fourteen-year-old son, whose foreskin has not yet retracted.

Several weeks ago, my son began to feel a burning sensation when he peed and he wasn’t able to urinate much. We went to his pediatrician. We thought it was a UTI, but the pediatrician noticed an irritation on the tip of his penis, so she prescribed a topical antibiotic and an oral antibiotic. Neither worked, so we were referred to a pediatric urologist.

The urologist said that the fact that he couldn’t retract the foreskin could be the root of the issue. Then, without warning, she pulled his foreskin off his glans. I didn’t know what she was doing until I heard my son scream. I couldn’t believe it! Doctors tell you that it’s going to pinch when they give you a shot, and this was much worse.

The urologist prescribed a steroid for my son to use on his foreskin, and since using it he has been able to pull his foreskin further back and clean better. His pain and the urge to urinate has subsided a little bit.

One of the doctors also suggested that because my son was experiencing constipation, his full bowels were pushing on the walls of his bladder and that may have caused some of the discomfort, too.

My question after reading your response to Katherine in Canada is whether or not my son should continue to use the steroid. He’s still not 100% better. What can I do?

— Leslie, Connecticut

Dear Leslie:

I’m happy to know that you kept your son intact. It won’t be long until he understands you’ve given him a wonderful gift. In the meantime, there’s an easy solution to your son’s irritation. A reddened foreskin is usually caused by yeast overgrowth; some soaps, shampoos, bubble baths, or chlorine in pools or hot tubs can disturb the balance between the normal bacteria and yeast that live on our bodies. Antibiotics also can kill healthy bacteria as well as harmful bacteria, so it is counterproductive for a doctor to prescribe antibiotics to heal a reddened foreskin, unless there are other indications an antibiotic is needed.

You can treat yeast yourself by restoring the body’s healthy bacteria. I recommend you purchase a liquid probiotic (acidophilus culture works well) and have your son apply it six times a day. He can pour a tablespoon or so of the liquid into the palm of his hand, hold it for a moment to warm the solution, and then dip his foreskin into the solution and use his fingertips to rub the liquid onto the affected area. He doesn’t need to retract his foreskin because the bacteria will multiply and fill whatever empty tissue there is. You should notice an improvement in three days

You also asked about whether your son should continue to use a steroid cream. The doctor prescribed a steroid to prematurely retract the foreskin, which I’ve already said is not necessary when treating excess yeast. Your son should stop using the steroid cream and let nature take its course. His foreskin might tighten after steroid treatment stops, but the foreskin will loosen up with time . (Some men find their foreskins do not retract fully until their mid-twenties because men do not complete their sexual development until then.) Right now, as long as your son is urinating normally, he doesn’t need to fuss with his foreskin.

To prevent a yeast reoccurrence, don’t use cleansing products that harm good bacteria. If your son swims or uses hot tubs, have him apply non-petroleum jelly on his foreskin prior to going into chlorinated water. After swimming, he should shower to remove the chlorine from his body and then gently wipe away the protective cream from his foreskin.

I’m sorry you were misled by your doctors. As more and more boys are kept intact, health professionals need to learn to respect the foreskin and it treat it properly.

— Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Circumcision Is a Bigger Risk Than Penile Cancer

The penis advice columnDear Marilyn:

My obstetrician tells me circumcision will prevent penile cancer in my son. Is that true?

Ann, Lansing, MI

Dear Ann:

Your obstetrician is wrong. Penile cancer occurs in circumcised males as well as intact males, but it is among the rarest of cancers. The American Cancer Society estimates that 2,070 new cases of penile cancer will be diagnosed in the United States in 2022 (compared to 287,850 new cases of breast cancer) and that 470 men will die from the disease (compared to 43,250 fatalities among breast cancer patients). Despite the higher incidence of breast cancer, no doctor recommends removing a baby girl’s breasts after birth.

Neither should doctors recommend amputating healthy tissues from a baby boy’s penis. Especially since the American Cancer Society itself questions the association between circumcision and penile cancer risk. The biggest risk it is most closely associated with genital hygiene and HPV infection. Proper genital hygiene and conscientious condom use offers far more protection for this disease.

Also, bear in mind that cancer of the penis is a rare disease of elderly men. Your son will be denied the protection and pleasure of his foreskin for many years until his age possibly puts him at risk. However, he will immediately face a risk from circumcision: more than 100 baby boys die each year from circumcisions.

There is no reason to risk circumcision of an infant for fear of cancer in the later years of life. As my mother used to say, “Never trouble trouble  ’til trouble troubles you.”

­—Marilyn