Ask Marilyn – I’m Cut and Angry. What Can I Do?

May 30, 2022

Dear Marilyn:

I did not know that I was circumcised until I was 11 years old. My aunt and cousin, who live in France, came to visit us. My cousin stayed in my room, and one day as we were dressing I noticed that his penis looked different from mine. He showed me his foreskin, which he was able to retract.

I was devastated. I kept thinking that someone had sliced off a part of my penis and I could physically imagine the pain I must have felt as a baby. I confronted my parents and asked why they would do such a thing. They insisted it was no big deal and it was for the best.

Now I’m in my twenties and I feel more angry than ever. What can I do to move past this?

—Calvin, Denver, Colorado

Dear Calvin:

I am so sorry for your loss. Your parents made a mistake by allowing you to be circumcised and seem afraid to to take responsibility for that decision. A simple apology from them would be the first step to coming to terms with what happened to you. Consider approaching your parents today to talk about how you feel.

Counseling benefits almost all survivors of abuse and is likely to help you process your feelings. A therapist can help prepare you to go back to your parents and ask them to acknowledge your feelings of loss and pain.

I’ve spoken to thousands of survivors of male genital cutting, and I’ve seen many who find solace when they get involved with the genital autonomy movement and find they are not alone, and that there are many people who share their grief and anger. I urge you to join us in fighting to save baby boys from experiencing what you have experienced.

Some men also turn to foreskin restoration. I suggest you read my answer to a reader’s question about whether foreskin restoration is worth it. This might be something for you to consider.

I hope you can find peace in your future.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – When You and Your Husband Can’t Agree on Keeping Your Son Intact

May 23, 2022

Dear Marilyn:

My husband and I are the parents of two girls and are now expecting a baby boy. I started thinking about this a long time ago, and I am quite sure I do not want our son to be circumcised. The problem is that my husband, who was circumcised as a baby, is very angry that I am taking this stance. He says that it will be impossible to keep our son clean, and that I will be ruining my son’s chances with future girlfriends. How can I convince him that it’s better to keep our son whole?

—Samantha, New Mexico

Dear Samantha:

Sadly, I have heard some variation on this question many times. First, I want to congratulate you for following your instinct to protect your son from a painful and unnecessary surgery with a lifetime of consequences. Second, I want to suggest that you consider why your husband is reacting this way. It is likely that your husband, a circumcised man, thinks you’re saying “something is wrong with YOUR CUT PENIS” when you say you don’t want to cut your son’s penis.

Reassure him that you love him just the way he is, and that you know he has his son’s interest at heart. Ask him to hear you out so you can explain why you want to stop the cycle of unnecessary cutting by keeping your son intact.

Tell him that a lot has changed since he was a baby. More men are speaking out against circumcision, saying they wish they hadn’t been cut. Researchers have found that babies really feel pain when their genitals are cut, and many babies are traumatized by it. Explain that the foreskin has thousands of sensitive nerve endings that give men and their partners pleasure during sex. Tell him that more than 100 babies die each year because of circumcision complications, and that hundreds more live their lives with disfigured penises. Ask him if he thinks it’s worth the risk to perform basically a cosmetic procedure on your son. And ask him to check out this informative website covering the historical practice of newborn circumcision .

You can also point out that, because the U.S. is the only western country that routinely circumcises its boys, men in the rest of the world are intact. They know how to clean their genitals and have no problem finding women to love them .

Tell your husband that you hope he trusts your feelings about this issue, and that you both want the same thing: to peacefully welcome a beautiful and healthy baby boy into the world and raise him to be a wonderful man like his father is.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – Why Is Sex with My Husband Painful?

May 9, 2022

Dear Marilyn:

This is an embarrassing question. My husband and I are both 27 years old. Everything about our relationship is good, except that intercourse is very uncomfortable for me. Using lube helps at first, but he takes a long time to reach orgasm and by the time he finishes, I am in a lot of pain.

I am from Denmark, and this is my first relationship with a circumcised man. I’m wondering if this has something to do with our problems and, if so, what we can do to make things better?

—Liv C., Cincinnati

Dear Liv:

Your problem is a common complaint of American women. Most American women have never been with an intact male and don’t know what normal sex feels like, and most European women haven’t been with a cut male.

Circumcision amputates healthy genital tissue with tens of thousands of specialized erogenous nerve endings. All that sensitivity is lost. And sadly for you, as a result many men take longer to reach orgasm, which increases the pain. Cut men also lose the gliding mechanism of the foreskin that provides for gentle intromission (penetration) and sexual intercourse without abrasion.

So what can you do?

Start by trying a different lubricant, then try other positions. Many women say that being on top helps relieve some of the chafing they feel. This position often allows a woman to position herself so that she’s stimulated with less pain.

No man should be robbed of his natural penis and a healthy sexual future. And no woman should have to suffer the consequences. Understanding the underlying issue may help you and your husband work on a solution together.

Thank you again for writing. My best wishes to you.

—Marilyn

Ask Marilyn – 19-year-old Considers Circumcision

May 2, 2022

Dear Marilyn:

My parents didn’t have me circumcised because they thought the choice should be mine. I felt a little self-conscious when I was in grade school because I was the only boy with a foreskin in my class. When I was in 7th grade, our science teacher told us circumcision was done so boys would be cleaner and healthier. After that, I felt inferior. Now that I’m 19, I’ve been considering circumcision for myself, but a couple of friends have warned me against it. My doctor told me it’s a simple surgery and a personal choice. That’s all he said. Can you tell me why I should or shouldn’t be circumcised?

­– Uncut in Milwaukee

Dear Uncut:

American doctors have been circumcising babies for several generations, so most  doctors practicing these days don’t have a foreskin. They learned little or nothing about the structures, functions, development, and care of the normal foreskin. Instead, they were taught it should be cut off.

Even though, at 19, you are legally able to consent to circumcision, it’s clear that your doctor has not given you the proper information for that consent to be truly “informed.”

Here’s what you should know:

• A penis without a foreskin doesn’t work as nature intended for its owner or his sexual partner.
• Amputating the foreskin eliminates the penis’ “command and control” nerve center, the normal skin system that allows for comfortable erections and the gliding mechanism necessary for sensory pleasure, foreplay, and normal intromission (entry during intercourse).
• Circumcision amputates the tens of thousands of specialized, erogenous nerve endings that signal to the man where he is in relation to the orgasmic threshold.
• It denudes and exposes the glans (head of the penis), causing it to become dry, calloused, and desensitized. Circumcised men talk about becoming impotent during their 50s or 60s while intact males tell me the urge doesn’t come around as often but their sensitivity hasn’t diminished.
• Circumcision makes the penis smaller, too.

Your seventh-grade science teacher was wrong! Circumcision does not make the penis cleaner, reduce the risk of penile or cervical cancer, or prevent urinary tract infections, STDs, or HIV/AIDS.

Remember: Once the foreskin is cut off it can never be replaced. Though many men are now stretching the remnant foreskin to re-cover the glans and regaining the gliding mechanism and some sensitivity, the nerve endings in the foreskin are lost forever.

Your parents protected your body and your rights when you were a child. Now, it’s up to you to protect yourself, if you want to maintain the wholeness of your body and the fullness of your sexual experience.

—Marilyn